I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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