there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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