roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
