If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
