First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
