hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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