life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
