I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
