i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
