Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
