shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
