In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
