Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
