I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
