tonight lets celebrate not being married
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
did you just send me my own nude
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
