My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
