my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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