Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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