Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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