He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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