i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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