I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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