I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
