i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
