And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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