I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
