i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
