Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
