Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
