Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
