You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The Olympian is in my bed
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
