nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
