I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
