I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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