Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
