So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
