I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
