I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
