My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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