man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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