Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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