Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
