Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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