i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
