He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
