is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
