soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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