Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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