Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Found the puke drawer
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
