I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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